Depression!

For me one of the most annoying things about having breast cancer was being asked in the most halting of tones "Do you think you are depressed?" I would answer indignantly "No I am not DEPRESSED, I'm angry!"

I found that when I said I was angry there were very few people who wanted to hear the who, what and where of that statement. Only my closest confidants were there for those conversations. There were those who felt that if we could throw a pill at it then it would magically disappear. Or when I said I was angry they would say "Isn't that the same thing as being depressed?" NO, it is not the same thing at all.

Cancer was a huge interruption in what was a fun, interesting and fulfilled life. I had many friends and lots of fun activities that kept me stimulated and on a constant search for more and more of the same. I had a new career I was trying to get off the ground, one I had wanted for so many years. Finally it was beginning to take off and I felt I was stopped in midair.

Cancer was a big fat bummer! Now I spent my time in waiting rooms, under huge high tech machines to help the doctors diagnose just how big an interruption this was all going to be. I listened to the doctors and nurses explain to me my course of treatment. At night I agonized about all the serious decisions that I had to make and really just wished I could wake up from this dizzying nightmare that my life had become.

So was I depressed, no just infuriated that at 58 years of age I now had yet something else in my way! My life had been for various reasons a five steps forward three steps back kind of a struggle. I knew if I was going to get through to the other side I was going to have to go deep and pull out every bit of strength and coping skills I could muster.

Often I would hear my mom's voice in my ear telling me "When times are difficult you just keep pushing forward."

Celeste