Privacy and Conviction

Privacy and Conviction an interesting combination of words, sometimes
one has to sacrifice their privacy because of their conviction. I find it so liberating to just say it, tell it as it really is and let the world know what I truly feel.

One of the most important things for me during this last two years has been to be totally honest with others and with myself. To let others know that this journey I have found myself on has been a combination of so many different emotions, physical discomfort and struggles both personal and public.

In saying all this I want you to know every bit of this has been a gift. A treasure that I would never have discovered had I not been thrust into this pool and expected to swim. Each day is an adventure and while not always easy certainly interesting. I have become more and more outspoken and much more protective of myself and others.

I think it is important to speak up and let others know you are uncomfortable. Physically or emotionally it makes no difference, one can be as debilitating as the other. When I have been emotionally upset it was harder for me than the physical stuff. When we go through difficult periods in our lives it is important to guard our emotional well being.

By standing up and speaking out about things we have a strong belief in it allows us to release that which constrains our hearts. Illness of any kind but especially chronic illness seems to have us bury our feelings and not allow us the courage of our conviction. Unless we make a conscious effort to move away from the veil of privacy into the public arena and let others know we have strong beliefs there are many out there who feel they are not allowed this freedom and privilege.


Celeste

Depression!

For me one of the most annoying things about having breast cancer was being asked in the most halting of tones "Do you think you are depressed?" I would answer indignantly "No I am not DEPRESSED, I'm angry!"

I found that when I said I was angry there were very few people who wanted to hear the who, what and where of that statement. Only my closest confidants were there for those conversations. There were those who felt that if we could throw a pill at it then it would magically disappear. Or when I said I was angry they would say "Isn't that the same thing as being depressed?" NO, it is not the same thing at all.

Cancer was a huge interruption in what was a fun, interesting and fulfilled life. I had many friends and lots of fun activities that kept me stimulated and on a constant search for more and more of the same. I had a new career I was trying to get off the ground, one I had wanted for so many years. Finally it was beginning to take off and I felt I was stopped in midair.

Cancer was a big fat bummer! Now I spent my time in waiting rooms, under huge high tech machines to help the doctors diagnose just how big an interruption this was all going to be. I listened to the doctors and nurses explain to me my course of treatment. At night I agonized about all the serious decisions that I had to make and really just wished I could wake up from this dizzying nightmare that my life had become.

So was I depressed, no just infuriated that at 58 years of age I now had yet something else in my way! My life had been for various reasons a five steps forward three steps back kind of a struggle. I knew if I was going to get through to the other side I was going to have to go deep and pull out every bit of strength and coping skills I could muster.

Often I would hear my mom's voice in my ear telling me "When times are difficult you just keep pushing forward."

Celeste

A Woman of Substance

I would like to dedicate today's blog to the life and work of Alicia
Parlette, a young woman of courage and conviction. She passed away yesterday at the age of 28 from Alveolar Soft Sarcoma.

I became acquainted with her story in 2005 while reading the San Francisco Chronicle where she wrote about her diagnosis and treatment . She was a copy editor at the Chronicle and on March 2, 2004 she received the news that would forever alter her future. Her story is written in a most honest and touching way. A young woman taken totally by surprise, a young woman who's favorite book was "To Kill a Mockingbird", and favorite companion was her dog Clarabelle. I would urge anyone interested to go to SFGATE.com and read her story.

I wanted to dedicate this blog to her because I remember being so touched by her story five years ago but of course as we all do, thought this can never happen to me. Well surprise, surprise it did happen to me and even though it was a different kind of cancer it still happens to some of us who least expect it.

After I was diagnosed I went back and read her story again. I had always wondered how she was doing and prayed for the best. In re-reading her story I became stronger, more resilient. Who would ever have thought five years later she would again be an inspiration to me.

For me, reading of her struggle gave me the strength to go on with my own. I am so grateful to her for opening up her private life and letting us all know how it feels to be stricken with a devastating diagnosis.

I will close with one of my favorite quotes, unfortunately I do not know who wrote it.

This day is remembered and quietly kept. No words are needed, we will
never forget. For those we love don't go away, they walk among us everyday.
Unseen, unheard but always near. So loved, so missed so very dear.


-Author Unknown


Celeste

Fearless

Cancer has made me fearless! No longer do I shy away from questions about my illness. I now lend my name to the causes that were my lifesavers. I speak out and want to be part of all the things that help cancer patients, their families and us survivors.

Cancer has done me a huge favor. I am now re-centered and have found my true purpose. I have had the privilege of meeting some of the most amazing women. Women committed to making the lives of others better and taking in every breath and sight with a new resolve to receive every essence life has to offer.

Life has become a vividly painted canvas and I now see things so much more deeply than before when life was so much easier. I live in the moment and a simple conversation with a stranger has become an interesting quest for knowledge. The stories of their journey's and their triumphs fill my heart and I am no longer in such a rush to go nowhere.

There is a great freedom in feeling fearless. I now make the statement and ask the question without feeling self-conscious. I no longer fear being thought of as being too familiar or asking too many questions.

I am here to be present and to assist in anyway I can those who need my help. I don't wait to be asked, I offer. I am truly fearless.

Celeste

Inspiration

I am continually inspired by the strong women I have
encountered on my journey. They have become my role models and teach me everyday by their well lived lives. Cancer for them is merely a blip in their screen that only spurs them on to greater achievements.

For me it has been important to remember cancer is only a part of who I am. I think sometimes we can become defined by an incident or take on the persona of someone set apart from others. I think that most of us especially at times like this want to be viewed and treated as we always were. Cancer does not always render one helpless, unable to do things for themselves.

When I think that one in eight women will develop breast cancer I am reminded that this life is a serious quest. That we are here to experience our life's lessons and to lend a hand to those who for whatever reason have become disadvantaged.

I feel that the sharing of our information and experiences allows for a rich exchange with others. A smile, a hand over the proverbial mud puddle or taking time to listen to another can change a life. When we truly listen with our heart we cannot help but give genuine comfort.

Celeste

Charting My Course

The charting of my course was probably the most difficult thing I did as I wrestled with the reality of my situation. So many decisions to make and no one to make them with me. There were times when it was almost unbearable and I opted out of making them at all on those days.

There was no time to be frightened or think too much about my future. I concentrated on the immediate issues at hand. Because my original prognosis was excellent and the treatment very straightforward it was pretty easy to lull myself into a rhythm of compliance.

The first thing to be done was to meet with my team plus one. My team consisted of a Radiologist, Oncologist and of course my Surgeon. You know your getting older when everyone in the room is younger than you are by decades. Oh, don't let me leave out the plus one! She was the volunteer who wrapped up the six hours of confusion and terror.

I met separately with each doctor and they explained their job on my team. I will tell you while it certainly was no one's fault I felt they were the team and they were coming at me from all sides.There is no good way to go about explaining to someone they have a life threatening tumor.

These doctors were experts in their respective fields and their competence was awe inspiring. The volunteer on the other hand needed a bit of work. She came in, handed me a book bag and began to tell me about its contents. A book on breast cancer and finding my "wellness", a dictionary on terms associated with my cancer, and several books explaining the who, what and where of breast cancer. Oh, don't let me forget the candle that she was lucky to snag for me!

I have to tell you it is no wonder I didn't go screaming from the exam room after all that had transpired that day. I couldn't have cared less about candles and book bags, all I really wanted was someone to talk this over with.

Celeste

Moment to Moment

While going through my treatment for cancer I lived moment to moment. Sometimes a hopeful moment turned into a moment of despair. Things changed instantly and one of the most disturbing things about going through my treatment was not the radiation or chemo appointment where I became used to my routine and forged relationships with the technicians and Rn's who tended to my cancer, but it was those moments of uncertainty when I would sit in my family room or on the edge of my bed in the middle of the night and my mind would race while I tried to hang onto what I like to call my pre-cancer personality.

One of the most important things to me was and still is not to let cancer win by changing my heart. I wanted to go through this unfamiliar territory with my dignity in tact. This was not an easy feat for many reasons.

In the beginning I was very private and was careful not to let everyone know what I was going through. I wanted to have concrete information before allowing them into the most difficult and private battle I will probably ever face. But as we all know information gets out. On several occasions I was blindsided with a question I really was not ready to answer.

These moments were difficult for me to deal with so I decided that rather than trying to throw a blanket over the elephant in the room I would openly discuss my treatment and use these times as teaching moments for those inexperienced with asking the uncomfortable questions.

I began to look at my cancer as a gift, a gift of educating others on how to treat a person with cancer.


Celeste

Courage

Webster's Dictionary defines COURAGE as being FEARLESS or possessing a BRAVE QUALITY.

Today I experienced what it really means. It is a young mother with a three year old son told she will again be fighting the fight of her life. Now for the third time she will muster up all her courage and go up against what so many of us fear-A recurrence of cancer.

To see the determination in her beautiful face, the tenacity with which less than 24 hours after bad news she looks this challenge straight in the eye and will not give into this horrendous disease that robs its sufferers of the ability to participate fully in their lives.

To see such courage is awe inspiring to me. I walk beside her in my prayers but know that truly if anyone can beat this it is this lovely young woman with fire in her eyes and courage in her heart.

I ask those of you who pray keep her close-We will let God know she has the courage for the fight of her life and with his help all things are possible.

Celeste

Moving Forward

As I move forward in my recovery from breast cancer I cannot help but reflect back to that time of such uncertainty and insecurity when I wondered what the final outcome would be. Would the treatment work or was I doomed to a severely limited lifespan.

I started to prioritize the things in my life that meant the most to me. I always remained positive during my treatment but I still wanted to be sure I put most of my emphasis on the people who had really cared about my existence and recovery.

In sitting down to do that I took many factors into account, but the most important to me was their loyalty and discretion. Because I really did not ask much of my friendships in the past
it was important that those chosen few be people I could rely on.

The interesting thing about all this is that the people whom I never thought would be there were and the one's I thought would never leave my side did. I think it is important to realize two things. First, longevity and loyalty even though both start with an "L" have nothing to do with one another, and secondly there are no sure things, there are people out there who really care and exhibit true compassion and there are those who do not.

I feel this is not necessarily a character flaw but it is simply the fact that there are some people who really cannot handle the commitment it takes to be there for you no matter what. I would tell you to chose carefully and then disappointment cannot rear its ugly head.

All in all God has protected me well. I have had what I have needed when it was necessary.

Celeste

Welcome to the Future

I would like to welcome you to my blog and thank you for stopping by.

This blog comes from a strong drive within me to reach out to women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer. If you are in treatment now or have been in the past I welcome you here to express your feelings, concerns and really anything you wish to communicate.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer March 9th, 2008. I went through a lumpectomy, radiation, chemotherapy and Herceptin treatments. My treatment was finished October 9th, 2009.

In going through this most difficult journey alone I teetered somewhere between feeling that the cancer was my worst enemy to it becoming my greatest friend. The range of emotions I went through rocked me to my very foundation. Nothing was the same, everything and everyone I had come to rely on had changed. Somewhere in the middle of this difficult time I realized that this experiece was a most precious gift, and had been given to me to open my mind and to reach an understanding of all the parts of myself I had glossed over for so long.

In going through my own introspection and spending endless hours in treatment I observed so many women who did not have an outlet to either express their feelings or have the opportunity to have a real connection with another woman who truly understands. A woman who had been in that same position of uncertainty and fear.

This experience has become the driving force for my starting what I hope will become a national foundation that will comfort and assist women going through this devastating diagnosis and treatment.

So Take My Hand and come along with me. Together we can open the hearts and minds of the world.

Celeste