Turning Points

I am not sure if it was turning sixty or surviving cancer that has made me so desperate for a change. If I really sit down and analyze the last couple of years too much I begin to feel the breath being sucked out of my lungs and I become panicky with the fear that there may not be enough time.

So now as I sit back at the age of sixty I wonder what next. I feel very unsatisfied with what I perceive my future to be. I understand so clearly that in order to move forward I must have a plan which puts me in first position. What an odd thought because I think women inherently put others first.

Stepping back through the doors of the past I realize I have wasted a good part of my life trying to please others. My parents had an exemplary daughter who wanted nothing more than to please them and I truly do think I was successful with that-CHECK

My friends have had the best of me. My patience, my ear along with my unselfish wise counsel as I listened to their problems and concerns on a wide variety of subjects-CHECK.

My employers have had a loyal committed staff member who often took on responsibility she really did not need to for their benefit-CHECK

In saying all of this I would never want anyone to think that I certainly have not taken every opportunity to express myself, lean on and generally seek help and counsel from all of the above. So I guess the lesson here is there comes a time when in order to move forward we must go deep inside ourselves.

Who would ever have believed that it would take me sixty years to come to terms with myself and what some feel were my poor choices. I am grateful there is still time to live my dream.

Celeste

Choices

Difficult choices seem to be surrounding me now and I can no longer wait to see what will happen. Take this leave that, move here move there the options are endless. I don't think I have ever in my life been so indecisive about so many things. There are serious changes that need to be addressed.

I will be moving on soon. Moving in so many ways that are foreign to me. I guess this will be a good thing because since my breast cancer diagnosis I have been forced to follow other people's plans for my life and so I am out of practice at making decisions even when matters call for my immediate attention.

I remember back to my more capable days when my arms and legs flew in every direction as I managed my life. Running from meeting to meeting, organizing, planning and never happy unless I had five projects going all at the same time, I was the original multi-tasker.

Cancer has brought things into focus and made me realize what is truly important. The lessons it has taught me are as endless as the decisions that need to be made. I have wasted a lot of time through my life on things that really didn't matter. A friend of mine put it so well, "Get rid of everything that no longer serves you." That phrase has become my new mantra.

Choices abound and rather than feeling bogged down by them I should welcome them and welcome the change they bring. A chance for so many new adventures.

Celeste

Reinvention

I am finding the road back from my journey into the mouth of hell almost more difficult than the actual battle. The battle for my physical well-being was frightening but extremely well orchestrated by my doctors. This part of the trip named by a friend of mine as my "reconstruction period" seems more difficult. It was not easy nor was it anything but extremely demanding on both my physical and emotional health to have surgery and then be zapped with radiation thirty times. Once that was finished it was time to fill my already exhausted body full of chemo and Herceptin for the better part of a year.

While I am most grateful for the wonderful care I had and the excellent prognosis I continue to enjoy the treatment has left me in a barely functioning state. A state of exhaustion follows me around like damp sticky blanket ready to drop on any ambitious thought I might possess. I have now become what I call "The one task a day girl". I find it almost impossible to get out of the way as that fast moving freight train hits me and smacks me down. I try to eat well but sleep is illusive.

I must now completely change everything in my life to make a successful recovery. I have said often through this process how much I really loved my old life. Being a Realtor and doing scads of volunteer work was my heaven. Lunch with friends and conversations about the latest art exhibit or that last Silent Auction benefiting a favorite charity we all attended was very fulfilling for me.

However now that I have experienced this mind numbing, nail biting, stress causing terror I cannot possibly go back and pretend I didn't see and experience what I did. This experience has now drawn me in and complacency will not do. I now add myself to the ranks of those who cannot sit idly by.

Celeste

Fortunate

The last few days I have been feeling particularly fortunate for what many might call a run of bad luck. The lessons I have learned are more and more evident every day. As I pull out of the ravages of cancer I see life so much more clearly. I enjoy everything I do so much more. I appreciate my friends and their caring natures. I understand so much more my role in this world and that my responsibility to help others is greater than it has ever been.

Today a dear friend came by and brought me one of my coveted cinnamon lattes . We spent a wonderful couple of hours talking about the future. When one has had a brush with that devil they call cancer they spend much of their time floating through an odyssey not to their liking. For me personally I don't think my feet touched the ground through the whole experience. I grabbed hold of the lifeline they offered, closed my eyes and hoped I would come out the other side, and I did.

I have now opened my eyes to a wonderful new life where I have no limitations. My possibilities are endless and because I have stared that devil straight in the eye I do not fear cancer any longer. Cancer is a mutation of cells that's all. I won't allow it to rob me of my dreams and aspirations. While I respect its fierceness I will not give it my emotional and creative energy.

As long as I remain vigilant with my care and vigilant with my heart there is nothing that can stop me from being the person I have been striving to be all my life. I understand now that what gets in our way is ourselves.

Celeste

Celebration

Mother's Day is the day we pay homage to the women who stand by us unconditionally, never faltering and always putting us first. For some Mother's Day is meant to share with the women who have made a difference in their lives, but not necessarily their biological mothers.

I have been so fortunate to have had a spectacular mother and many many special women who have taken me by the hand and helped me along my way. Never judging and always nurturing, never taking my mothers place but being that sounding board for my hopes and dreams, questions and self-reflection and even in the dark days when I needed that caring honesty that puts you over the top, allowing you to pull through challenges you didn't think you could navigate.

When I think about the fact my mom has been gone for seven years it sometimes feels like a hundred since I have seen her smiling face and sometimes the pain of her lose is as sharp as if it were yesterday. What an amazing woman she was in every sense of the word. Kind, loving, loyal and she was strong and almost unstoppable. Her love for my father and me was true and constant no matter what the circumstances.

I remember when she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1982 and how carefully she told me. Not wanting to scare me she acted as if it was no big thing just a simple procedure. A modified Radical Mastectomy is no minor procedure and she moved through those days after her surgery like a swan, gracefully and with great dignity. What an example she was to me, how could I ever follow in those footsteps. How lucky I was to have her for fifty-three years. She went on to live another twenty-one years after her treatment never even skipping a beat.

To my mom and all those special women who make a difference in the lives of so many this entry is dedicated to you. Happy Mother's Day.


Celeste

Gratitude

I am filled with gratitude to all those people who have taken me this far. The doctors with their staffs who diligently monitored and treated my breast cancer. To the agencies who helped me navigate this new and uncharted territory. To all my friends who have prayed and stayed close by without fear they might have to be involved. I am grateful also for the weekly phone calls from all over the world from friends who couldn't be close by but kept a constant vigil. To the generosity of friends and strangers who financially filled in where they could.

If I ever thought that I was an island cancer has proved me wrong. If I ever thought I liked being alone I don't. If I ever was confident I could handle anything thrown at me on my own I couldn't. So while compared to most I did go through a lot of my treatment on my own power I realize that to focus on that does not allow me to give credit to those who were there.

Only those of us who have been in the trenches trying to manage this disease understand how really overwhelming it is. It is a long grueling battle that makes no promises or gives any guarantees. There were days when I just prayed for normal, for a lunch out or a trip to a museum or a movie where I didn't have to be the patient. I could become lost in the crowd and not feel like I was on display.

So, remember even though we are fighting for our lives we still like to have fun and close relationships. We still are the same wacky people we always were, now there is just an extra challenge in the mix. To those of you who walk this journey with us thank you. Thank you for your kindness, warm hugs and the true generosity of your kind spirit.


Celeste

Privacy and Conviction

Privacy and Conviction an interesting combination of words, sometimes
one has to sacrifice their privacy because of their conviction. I find it so liberating to just say it, tell it as it really is and let the world know what I truly feel.

One of the most important things for me during this last two years has been to be totally honest with others and with myself. To let others know that this journey I have found myself on has been a combination of so many different emotions, physical discomfort and struggles both personal and public.

In saying all this I want you to know every bit of this has been a gift. A treasure that I would never have discovered had I not been thrust into this pool and expected to swim. Each day is an adventure and while not always easy certainly interesting. I have become more and more outspoken and much more protective of myself and others.

I think it is important to speak up and let others know you are uncomfortable. Physically or emotionally it makes no difference, one can be as debilitating as the other. When I have been emotionally upset it was harder for me than the physical stuff. When we go through difficult periods in our lives it is important to guard our emotional well being.

By standing up and speaking out about things we have a strong belief in it allows us to release that which constrains our hearts. Illness of any kind but especially chronic illness seems to have us bury our feelings and not allow us the courage of our conviction. Unless we make a conscious effort to move away from the veil of privacy into the public arena and let others know we have strong beliefs there are many out there who feel they are not allowed this freedom and privilege.


Celeste